I Mardocundossë Valaron

Re: I Mardocundossë Valaron

PostAuthor: Tuilinde » Mon May 31, 2010 7:06 pm

Finally, another stanza, along with a serious changing of one of the end words, which has necessitated revising the earlier stanzas.

I think this is beginning to lead towards a confession to Eru that they have failed in their Stewardship, and a plea for forgiveness for themselves as well as for Elves and Men. We shall see!

As usual, comments, criticism, nitpicking of all kinds may now take place!
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Re: I Mardocundossë Valaron

PostAuthor: órerámar » Sat Jun 12, 2010 10:26 pm

Ananta, carnemmë olya i lá márë nér,
Milyala ar sacala i Hini Eruo.
Ír' Eldar cuivaner - yessëa lië varya
Tultanemmeltë et allómëa Entarda.
Me quernë immë Amanna, camneltë annar,
Melkor hlussanë hurur, tévië ontien.

There is a typo in the first line: nár instead of nér

olya : This is an adjective and we cannot know whether it could be used as in English as a noun. The word is cited in PE14 (Early Qenya Grammar). In th Qenya Lexicon, adjective and noun, are distinct. If it could be used as a noun, it would rather require the singular. You could avoid uncertainties, by using the plural of "deeds = cardar".

yessea : given the change of meaning from "first" to "beginning" and Tolkiens later preference for Firstborn = Minnónar, also "Mindi" for First-clan in PE17, I feel "minya" would be less confusing.

Tultanemmelte : As far as I know, only short forms are suffixed like in "laituvalmet", so tultanemmet

et allómea Endarda : would "et" not require an ablative?

Why "me querne" and not "quernemme"?
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Re: I Mardocundossë Valaron

PostAuthor: Tuilinde » Fri Jun 18, 2010 10:53 pm

Thanks for those comments and help. I promise I shall come back to it shortly - but inspiration has struck in another direction, so I'm working on Galdor Has Come Again before said inspiration decides to run away!
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Re: I Mardocundossë Valaron

PostAuthor: Tuilinde » Sat Sep 04, 2010 7:35 pm

Don't die of shock!! I've come back to this, reworked the four stanzas I've got so far, and FINISHED IT!!!!. Forget the version in the first posting. From now on we'll be working from this.

I Mardocundossë Valaron

Ortírielta Ardaro

Eru, Ilúvatar, antanë men anna ~
*Mermerya oiavë ortirë ar varya ::
Ve andanéya lirnemmë epë Eru
Silumë, tennoi' ricuvammë ontien,
Ardassë manyuvammë ilyar márë nár
Pan haryammë poldorë *canta nór Ardo ::

Melimmë vanessë virye norion Ardo ::
Sámallo Ilúvataro alcarinqu' annar -
Fëar, ëalar, cuilemmar, ilyar márë nár;
Sinomë Aman, melammarimma varya ::
Endoressë motuvammë tás ontien
Mélamar þanda, turmen Hínin Eruo ::

Istya parnemmë lindalenen Eruo
Istya ecë men turë cariessë Ardo ::
Onnar, olvar mannë ricuvammë ontien;
Aldar, lossi vanyë, aiwi, menyar annar.
Ilyar sinë Melkorello meremmë varya,
Istyanen hanya i márië yo ulco nár ::

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ananta carnemmë olya i lá márë nér
Milyala ar sacala i Híni Eruo
Ír' Eldar cuivaner - yessëa lië varya
Tultanemmeltë et allómëa Entardallo
Tá quernemmë immë Amanna, i anna
Tassë Melkor rincë hururya ontien.

Úcaremmyar lavanë Melkor ulqui onta ::
Sí Úmanyar yo Avari móliryar nár;
Hildor eressië l'antanemmë annar.
Atani láparneltë ista Eruo;
Moringotto turnë caurenen Entarda ::
Ai! Eru, amen apsenë, man Hinilya loitaner varya!

Sí nammë nahamnar ohtanna *varien
I Hínin; turien Melkor; sérë ontien ::
Tol ortuvammë han hrestallon Entardo ::
Ocombë Nehtanoriva moiainar nár -
Quetuvammë quettar *oravëo Eruo;
*Eterúnien *loitemmar antuvammë annaryar!

This time I'm giving a strictly literal translation here. Please remember, learners, Quenya has no indefinite article - which will make this sound a bit stilted. The more Poetic Version will go into the English Section.

The Stewardship Valar-of

Eru, All-Father, gave us-to, gift -
Desire-his ever to-watch-over and to-protect.
As once-long-ago sang-we before Eru,
At-this-time, forever, strive-will-we in-order-to-create.
Earth-in bless-will-we all good are
For possess-we strength to-shape lands Earth-of.

Love-we beauty fair lands-of Earth-of.
Mind-from All-Father's glorious gifts -
Spirits, beings, lives-ours, all good are
This-place Aman, Home-Ours to protect.
Middle-Earth-in toil-will-we there in-order-to-create
Home true, realm children-for Eru-of.

Knowledge learned-we music-from Eru-of,
Knowledge it-is-possible us-for to-wield making-in Earth-of.
Creatures, plants blessed strive-will-we in-order-to-create
Trees, blossoms fair, birds, our gifts.
All these Melkor-from desire-we to-protect
Wisdom-with to-understand the good and evil-about are.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And-yet did-we much which not good was
Longing and searching-for the Children Eru-of.
When Eldar awoke, first People to-protect
Summoned-we-them out most-gloomy Middle-Earth-from,
Then turned-we ourselves Aman-to, the gift,
Where Melkor strove lies-his in-order-to-create.

Wrong-doing-ours allowed Melkor evils to create ::
Now Úmanyar and Avari thralls-his are;
Followers lonely not-gave-we gifts;
Men not-learned knowledge Eru-of;
Moringotto ruled fear-with Middle-Earth ::
Alas! Eru, us forgive, who Children-yours failed to-protect!

Now are-we summoned war-to in-order-to-protect
The Children; in-order-to-defeat Melkor; peace in-order-to-create.
Island raise-up-will-we beyond coasts-from Middle-Earth-of.
Gathering Exiles-of afflicted are -
Speak-will-we words mercy-of Eru-from
In-order-to-redeem failures-ours give-will-we gifts-His!

OK - Nitpicking may now begin!
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